THE problem of finding a second spouse who is better than the first one is now reflected in figures showing a marked increase in the re-hitching rate of Shanghai's separated couples.
The latest statistics from the Marriage Registration Department of the Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau reveals that in the past year, a total of 1,804 divorced couples remarried one another, compared with 500 in 1992. The re-hitching rate has risen steadily in the past decade.
"The most important reason behind the rapid increase lies in the great difficulty faced by the divorced spouse in finding a new marriage partner," said Yu Jian, a marriage consultant of the Shanghai Haoyun (Good Luck) Match-Making Agency.
"And the difficulty is all the more serious for divorced women."
Idealistic women
Compared with men, women came to a second marriage demanding much more of their intended spouses.
After suffering the failure of the first marriage, most divorced women, when seeking a new husband, were especially careful that they did not end up with someone with the same shortcomings as their former husbands.
But, at the same time, they still wanted their next husband to have all the strong points of the former, which may include everything from salary to physical height, said Yu, speaking from his ample match-making experiences.
Wang Xi (not her real name), is a woman in her 40s. Five months ago, she and her husband, a successful businessman, became divorced because of her suspicions that he was conducting an extramarital affair. Her endless cross-questioning every night for two months pushed him into a divorce.
"I know he didn't have a mistress when divorcing me, but his work involved so many dinner parties, if I didn't keep a close eye on him, it would not be long before he had an affair with other women," said Wang, displaying her keen insight into her husband's night life.
The match-making agency had introduced five men to her but all ended in failure. She wanted her new spouse to earn no less than her former husband but not to do too much socializing and to be home no later than 11:00 every night.
All the requirements greatly limited her choices.
Compared with women, the conditions raised by men for their new wives are less strict.
"The requirements raised by most divorced men may just include that the new wife have a mild disposition, a stable job and, if possible, good looks," Wang said.
The financial situation of the new wife was not regarded as being of vital importance by divorced men.
"Besides, a divorced man if he has a successful career behind him, is appealing to young unmarried girls," Wang said.
"It is different for women. No matter whether or not they have been successful, very rarely will unmarried young men consider them."
It is estimated that the number of single women, either divorced or widowed, is 1.5 times the number of single men in Shanghai.
Tough remarried life
The difficulties in finding a good second mate do not end once the spouse-seeking period is over. Even for those couples who do manage to set up a new family, many find themselves with a broken heart again.
A study has found that more than 70 per cent of new marriages ends in a split and the child is a main reason for the break-up.
"Unlike Western families where the relationship between parents and children is more like that of friends, Chinese parents tend to monopolize all aspects of the conduct of children," Wang said.
"It adds to the difficulty of establishing a rapport in the relationship between the two."
Wang recalled a family in which both the husband and wife had a history of divorce and each had their own child.
The two children were the same age - but each wanted to possess anything they wanted as their own. The family's economic condition meant that there was not enough to always buy the two children two of the same thing.
It is part of human nature for a parent to show a little favouritism towards their own children. So, when the step-father criticized his wife's child or the step-mother criticized her husband's child, the conflict tended to end in a major quarrel between the parents.
Five months after their marriage, the couple divorced again. Their story is typical of many second marriages.
"The blows from a second split are especially heavy on the children," Yu said.
A study has shown that children from broken families show a greater tendency to be frightened of marriage, and tend to go to extremes in their behaviour or develop an inferiority complex.
Children the priority
Although children can cause a lot of embarrassment to their step-parents, they can also play a great role in bringing their separated parents back together.
A study by the Shanghai Social Sciences Academy of some 200 re-hitched couples has found that 70 per cent of them became reunited because of the children.
A similar survey conducted by the Shanghai Women's Federation also found that children were the most important factor in maintaining a troubled marriage.
Marriage guidance experts are still arguing the question of whether it is better for a loveless couple to stay together for their children's sake or to split up.
But it seems that the old concept of family responsibility binding the two sides of a marriage together is being challenged.
"No doubt, it is encouraging to see so many divorced couples reunited, but one problem is that quite a few of them have been impulsive when making this second decision," said Xu Anqi, an expert on family issues.
The latest survey also shows that some 16 per cent of couples re-hitching have either expressed regret for their decision or have raised the issue of divorce again.
For these impulsive couples, once their second wedding was over and they resumed married life, "all the former conflicts reappeared," Xu said.
"No matter if you are single, re-hitching or divorcing, impulsiveness is not a good idea. Otherwise it may well become the fuse for a second divorce which only brings more pain and harm."
(Shanghai Star September 23, 2002)
